Scott and SadieWe have all followed the saga of NASA’s latest space misadventure—a tale so rich with bureaucratic blunders that it could make even the most patient taxpayer spit out their coffee. Let’s dive into this cosmic comedy, shall we?
Government-Sponsored Space Staycation
In June 2024, NASA astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore embarked on what was supposed to be an eight-day test flight aboard Boeing’s shiny new Starliner spacecraft. But, much like that “quick” trip to the DMV, their mission experienced a few… delays. The Starliner, eager to showcase Boeing’s cutting-edge technology, decided to malfunction its thrusters and spring helium leaks, effectively stranding our intrepid duo aboard the International Space Station (ISS) for a leisurely nine-month outing – in space. (Fox Business)
Boeing’s Starliner: The Lemon of the Cosmos
Boeing’s Starliner, affectionately dubbed “Calypso,” proved to be as reliable as a politician’s promise. After a series of technical hiccups—including thruster failures and helium leaks—NASA decided that returning the astronauts aboard this malfunctioning tin can was riskier than a game of Russian roulette. So, in September 2024, the Starliner made an uncrewed return to Earth, leaving Williams and Wilmore to perfect their zero-gravity yoga routines aboard the ISS.
Enter SpaceX: The Private Sector’s White Knight
With Boeing’s Starliner resembling more of a space-age paperweight, NASA turned to Elon Musk’s SpaceX (after the election, of course) for a solution. In March 2025, a SpaceX Dragon capsule, aptly named “Freedom,” was dispatched to rescue the stranded astronauts. The mission was a success, and Williams and Wilmore finally returned to Earth, touching down off the coast of Florida. (Space)
Nine Months in Space: What Could You Do?
Nine months is a long time to wait – especially when you thought it was only going to be 8 days. Damn sure they ran out of clean undies. So, let’s ponder the possibilities of a nine-month stint. We put finger to keyboard and pondered the crap you could do in nine months:
- Grow and Birth a Human: Yes, in the time it took NASA and Boeing to sort out their cosmic kerfuffle, you could conceive and bring a new taxpayer into the world.
- Learn a New Language: Become fluent in Mandarin, Spanish, or Klingon—take your pick.
- Complete a School Year: Enroll in a course and actually finish it, unlike some space missions we know.
- Write a Novel: Channel your inner Hemingway and pen the next great American novel, perhaps inspired by bureaucratic space odysseys.
- Train for a Marathon: Get off your couch and prepare to run 26.2 miles—because at least you’d be moving forward.
- Master a Musical Instrument: Serenade your friends with your newfound guitar skills, assuming they haven’t been stranded in space.
- Travel the World: Visit multiple countries, experience diverse cultures, and still make it back before NASA figures out how to operate a spacecraft.
- Start a Business: Launch a startup, navigate the market, and maybe even turn a profit—all while certain astronauts are perfecting their floating techniques.
- Binge-Watch TV Series: Catch up on every critically acclaimed series you’ve missed, because, unlike space missions, streaming services deliver as promised.
- Reevaluate Life Choices: Spend some quality time contemplating why we entrust multi-billion-dollar projects to organizations that can’t tell a thruster from a paperweight.
To Space or Not to Space?
Would we want to spend nine months in space? Let’s weigh the pros and cons:
Pros:
- Unmatched Views: Witnessing Earth from orbit is a privilege few experience—assuming your spacecraft’s windows aren’t fogged up from malfunctioning life support systems.
- Weightlessness: Floating around sounds fun until you realize even your tears don’t fall, much like Boeing’s stock prices post-Starliner.
- Bragging Rights: “Oh, you spent a year backpacking through Europe? How quaint. I lived in space.”
Cons:
- Isolation: Nine months with the same people in a confined space—it’s like quarantine but with the added risk of cosmic radiation.
- Limited Amenities: No fresh air, no showers, and the food? Let’s just say Michelin stars aren’t awarded in orbit.
- Reliance on Technology: Trusting your life to equipment that might fail, leaving you dependent on the competence of organizations that brought you the Starliner fiasco.
So would ya? Sure, to say, “I spent nine months in space” sounds cool at cocktail parties, but how often can you answer the “how do you poop” question? Perhaps it’s best to keep our feet on the ground until the powers that be can get their act together—or until SpaceX starts offering commercial flights with a return ticket guarantee.
