Scott and SadieAh, the holiday season—a time for joy, cheer, and the relentless assault of Christmas songs that cling to your brain like glitter on a kindergarten art project. Just when you thought you could escape Mariah Carey’s high notes, here comes NPR with a so-called “Earworm Eraser” playlist to save us from our festive misery. Spoiler alert: it’s as effective as using a sieve to bail out a sinking ship.
NPR, in its infinite wisdom, has curated a playlist to “erase” those pesky Christmas earworms. Because nothing says “holiday relief” like swapping one catchy tune for another equally insidious melody. It’s like trying to cure a headache by banging your head against the wall—sure, it’s a distraction, but you’re still in pain.
The playlist kicks off with some indie darling strumming an acoustic guitar, crooning about winter solstice or some other pretentious nonsense. Because when you’re trying to forget “Jingle Bells,” what you really need is a song that sounds like it was recorded in a Brooklyn coffee shop. Next up, a jazz rendition of a classic carol, because nothing wipes “Frosty the Snowman” from your mind like a saxophone solo that lasts longer than your holiday shopping list.
And let’s not forget the avant-garde track that’s basically just ambient noise with occasional chimes. Apparently, the sound of wind blowing through a desolate forest is the antidote to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Who knew?
But the pièce de résistance is the inclusion of a spoken word piece about the “true meaning of Christmas.” Because nothing says “festive” like a monotone lecture on consumerism and the loss of traditional values. By the end of it, you’ll be begging for “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” to cleanse your auditory palate.
NPR assures us that this playlist is the perfect remedy for holiday earworms. But in reality, it’s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Instead of erasing those catchy tunes, it layers on new ones, leaving your brain a tangled mess of melodies. It’s the musical equivalent of trying to clean up a glitter spill with more glitter.
So, this holiday season, if you find yourself humming “All I Want for Christmas Is You” for the hundredth time, don’t turn to NPR’s “Earworm Eraser” for relief. Unless, of course, you enjoy trading one form of torture for another. In that case, by all means, dive into the pretentious abyss. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you.
