Scott and SadieThanksgiving—the time of year when we gather around the table to overeat, argue with relatives, and pretend to enjoy Aunt Karen’s mystery casserole. And just when you thought you had your holiday traditions down, here comes Kroger, swooping in to enlighten us with their groundbreaking insights into our own eating habits. Because, clearly, we were all lost without their corporate wisdom.
According to Kroger’s latest revelation, 85% of customers plan to enjoy a traditional Thanksgiving meal at home or with family and friends. No shit, Sherlock. Apparently, the other 15% are either dining with their imaginary friends or have decided to skip the holiday altogether.
But wait, there’s more! Kroger proudly announces that they’ll be selling 55 million pounds of turkey this season. Because nothing says “holiday spirit” like boasting about the mass slaughter of birds. And let’s not forget the 6.2 million pounds of cranberries they’ll be pushing onto our plates. Because who doesn’t love a side of tart, gelatinous goo with their meal?
In a move that screams “we’re hip and trendy,” Kroger is also introducing a half-pumpkin, half-pecan pie. Because why choose one flavor when you can have a dessert suffering from an identity crisis? It’s like they couldn’t decide which pie to ruin, so they went with both.
And for those of you who can’t be bothered to cook, Kroger’s got your back with their pre-made sides like old-fashioned bread stuffing and sweet potato soufflé. Because nothing says “I care” like serving your family reheated supermarket mush.
So, this Thanksgiving, as you gather around the table, remember to thank Kroger for reminding you how to celebrate. Because without their invaluable insights, who knows? You might have forgotten to buy a turkey or, heaven forbid, served a single-flavored pie.
Thanksgiving is for gathering around the table with the family. And for kids, to sit at the mini-table off to the side and observe what's going on.
