Scott and SadieOh, look! Another “groundbreaking” CNN article, telling us that healthy habits can increase happiness. Holy shit, stop the presses! Apparently, exercising, sleeping enough, and not eating like a raccoon raiding a dumpster behind a Taco Bell can actually make you feel better. What a revolutionary concept—who could have possibly guessed that treating your body like a temple instead of a trash fire would have a positive impact on your mood?
And it doesn’t stop there, folks. The article also drops the life-altering knowledge bomb that social connections make you happier. You mean to tell me that having friends, being loved, and not living like a hermit in a sad, WiFi-less cave actually boosts your well-being? Wow, color me fucking shocked. It’s almost like humans are social creatures or some shit.
But wait, there’s more! The piece goes on to say that practicing mindfulness and keeping a gratitude journal can improve your outlook on life. Writing down what you’re thankful for? Being present in the moment instead of mentally screaming at your problems? What next, CNN? A headline saying “Breathing Oxygen Found to Be Beneficial for Life”?
And for the grand finale: having a purpose or setting goals is apparently good for you. No shit, Sherlock! You mean aimlessly drifting through life like a bored jellyfish doesn’t make people feel fulfilled? Thank God we have experts to tell us these things, because without this article, I’d probably just be wandering around eating Cheetos and wondering why I’m so miserable.
So, if you need a happiness boost, just remember: eat a fucking vegetable, get off your ass, maybe text a friend, and stop treating your body like it’s disposable. Thanks, CNN, for telling us what our grandmas have been yelling at us about since forever.
