Teachers Wearing Body Cams?

Oh, hell yes—slap some GoPros on those teachers and let’s finally get a front-row seat to little Brayden’s daily meltdown over long division. Parents, you think you want this, but we promise, you really don’t.

Let’s be honest: This whole “teachers need body cams” idea isn’t about accountability for educators—it’s about catching kids acting like gremlins in 4K. And you know what? We’re here for it. Because for years, teachers have been saying, “Your child is an absolute goblin in class,” and parents have responded with, “Not my angel!” Well, Karen, your angel just threw a chair because he didn’t want to learn about photosynthesis. Let’s roll the footage.

We guarantee that within one week of implementing body cams, half of these “My child would never” parents would be on the floor in the fetal position, rethinking every life choice that led them to this moment. You think your kid sits there, listens attentively, and engages in meaningful discussion? No. He’s stuffing crayons up his nose while his classmate eats paste. But sure, let’s record it all so you can see firsthand why Miss Thompson drinks her “coffee” out of an opaque mug.

And don’t even get us started on the sheer horror teachers would unleash when they start compiling highlight reels. Imagine a “Best of 3rd Period” compilation showing your sweet baby cussing out a math test, launching spitballs like a medieval trebuchet, and turning the classroom into the setting of Lord of the Flies. You wanted transparency? Congratulations—you just got an unfiltered documentary on why your child’s teacher has stress wrinkles.

But here’s the kicker: The real chaos isn’t even coming from the kids. It’s the parents who will make this whole idea implode within days. Because once parents start seeing other people’s kids misbehaving, you know they’re going to weaponize that footage. “Did you see what little Aiden did to my Emma?” “Why is my child sitting next to that kid?” Oh, and let’s not forget the litigation bonanza that would follow: “My child was unfairly scolded!” “You didn’t let my son go to the bathroom fast enough!” “I heard the teacher sigh, and it sounded hostile!”

So should teachers wear body cams? Absolutely—if only for the delicious irony of watching parents squirm when they finally realize that maybe the problem isn’t the teachers. But will it actually happen? Not a chance. Because deep down, parents don’t want the truth. They want to keep believing that the reason little Brayden is failing isn’t him—it’s the system.

But hey, if we do get classroom body cams, let’s at least monetize it. “America’s Funniest Classroom Freakouts” sounds like a goldmine.