Scott and SadieFrozen pizza—the culinary equivalent of saying, “I’ve given up, but I still need calories.” We’ve all been there: staring at that sad, frostbitten disc of mediocrity, wondering how life led us to this gastronomic low point. But fear not, fellow sufferers, for I bring you the ultimate hack to transform that cardboard catastrophe into something almost resembling food you’d willingly ingest.
Step 1: The Topping Tango
First things first, let’s address the crime scene that is the current state of your pizza’s toppings. They’re scattered more haphazardly than your last-minute excuses for missing work. Take a moment to redistribute them evenly. Yes, this requires effort, but so does chewing through a mouthful of plain crust because all the pepperoni decided to party on one slice.
Step 2: Pimp Your Pizza
Now, let’s add some flair. Raid your fridge for any toppings that won’t induce food poisoning. Bell peppers, onions, olives—hell, throw on that leftover chicken if you’re feeling wild. And cheese. Lots of cheese. Because if you’re going to clog your arteries, you might as well do it right.
Step 3: Season Like You Mean It
Remember, this is frozen pizza, not a Michelin-starred entrée. It needs all the help it can get. Sprinkle some oregano, basil, or crushed red pepper flakes to trick your taste buds into thinking you know what you’re doing. A drizzle of olive oil can also add that je ne sais quoi—which is French for “I found this in my pantry.”
Step 4: Bake It Till You Make It
Follow the oven instructions on the box, but keep an eye on it. When the cheese is bubbling and the crust reaches that golden-brown hue (or as close as frozen pizza can get), it’s showtime. Let it cool for a minute—seriously, we’ve all scorched the roof of our mouths in our haste—and then dig in.
Congratulations, you’ve just turned a meal of desperation into something marginally respectable. Sure, it’s still frozen pizza, but at least now it’s dressed up for the occasion. Bon appétit, you kitchen renegade.
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