Fairy Tale Couples Who’d Crash and Burn IRL

Buckle up, buttercup, because we’re about to torch some fairy tale fantasies and roast those “happily ever after” couples like they’re marshmallows over a dumpster fire. Let’s start with the obvious: Ariel and Prince Eric. Yeah, that relationship is absolutely DOA within six months.

First of all, Ariel gave up her ENTIRE LIFE—her voice, her friends, her glorious red hair’s underwater bounce—for some dude who plays the flute and doesn’t recognize the girl who saved him until she gets a makeover. Red flag number one: If your man can’t remember your face after you literally saved his life, he’s not marriage material—he’s a TikTok thirst trap in royal clothing.

And let’s not forget: she’s a teenage fish-girl who doesn’t speak, knows nothing about land culture, and thinks forks are hairbrushes. You think that’s gonna fly once the honeymoon phase wears off? Give it six weeks before Eric’s passive-aggressively asking, “Do you even know how to use a toilet yet, Ariel?” Meanwhile, she’s sobbing into a seashell bra and wondering why he never looks at her the same since she stopped humming all the time.

Next up? Cinderella and Prince Charming. That man fell in love with a woman but couldn’t remember her face—only her shoe size. Are you kidding me? This dude searched the kingdom not with a sketch artist, but with an orthopedic fetish. That’s not love, that’s some boutique foot kink disguised as romance. Let’s be real: once Cindy starts leaving glass slippers everywhere and the mice unionize because she won’t stop overworking them, Prince Charming’s eye is going to wander… right to a chick in Louboutins.

And don’t even get me started on Belle and the Beast. Oh, great, let’s glamorize Stockholm Syndrome and call it love. You lock a woman in your house, deny her freedom, scream at her over soup—and she decides, “You know what? I can fix him!” That’s not love, that’s a Bravo reality show waiting to happen. Fast forward a few years and Beast, now back in human form and clearly out of therapy, is cheating with the tavern wench while Belle’s trying to homeschool half-animal kids and writing angry Yelp reviews for enchanted tea sets.

Bottom line: “happily ever after” is a marketing campaign, not a relationship status. These couples didn’t need magic—they needed couples counseling, individual therapy, and maybe a prenup with a fairy god-lawyer.