Dial-Up Internet Was Hell—And Kids Today Have No Idea

Oh, you sweet technologically superior children with your high-speed Wi-Fi and unlimited data plans—you have no idea the trauma we endured in the days of dial-up internet. You think a buffering YouTube video is frustrating? Try pouring your soul into a 45-minute AOL chat session, only to have it instantly obliterated the second some clueless family member picked up the damn phone.

You’d be deep in an extremely important conversation—probably with someone claiming to be a 16-year-old from California who was, in hindsight, definitely a 43-year-old man in his basement—when suddenly, BOOM. Screen freezes. AIM logs you out. And just like that, you’re staring at the dreaded “Goodbye.”

Devastation. Absolute devastation.

And let’s talk about that noise. You know the one. The screeching, demonic hellspawn of digital suffering that AOL forced you to endure every time you tried to connect. It was like your computer was trying to summon Satan just so you could check your email. And God forbid you tried to be stealthy about going online—because that dial-up tone was blowing up your spot every time.

But nothing—nothing—compared to the rage of having your connection destroyed because someone picked up the phone. Oh, you were almost done downloading a single three-minute song off Napster after an excruciating two-hour wait? Too bad. Mom needs to call Aunt Linda.

And let’s be real: This always happened at the worst possible moment. Mid-conversation? Gone. Just about to finally see that low-res, pixelated, probably-not-worth-it photo load? Forget it. Trying to send an important AIM away message dripping in emo song lyrics? Nope. Because some clueless family member had to pick up the landline and ruin your entire existence.

And the worst part? They didn’t even care. You’d scream, “MOM, I WAS ONLINE,” and she’d just blink at you like you were speaking ancient Greek. “Oh, I didn’t know.” DIDN’T KNOW? Woman, it’s 1999. If the phone is making weird static noises, I’m online. It’s not a mystery.

But hey, that was life in the dark ages. We suffered so that the next generations could stream Netflix in the bathroom without a second thought. You’re welcome.