Scott K. JamesHallmark Christmas movies—the seasonal serotonin drip for suburban wine moms who guzzle pinot like their Peloton payment depends on it. These cinematic lumps of sugar and cringe are so formulaic, they could be generated by AI. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen all 12,000. But since your brain has probably gone numb from all the Christmas “magic,” here’s a guide to the Top 10 Things That Absolutely Have to Happen in Every Hallmark Christmas Movie:
1. A Big-City Career Woman is Banished to a Quaint Hellhole
Her crime? Having ambition. Her punishment? Being sent to Smalltown, USA, where everyone knows everyone’s business and cell service is a myth.
2. Her Name is Either Holly, Noelle, or Joy
Hallmark characters are legally required to have names stolen from a Christmas card. Coming soon: Merry McSnowflake and the Mistletoe Misunderstanding.
3. The Love Interest is a Flannel-Wearing Single Dad with Abs
He’s rugged, emotionally constipated, and spends his days fixing tractors or carving wooden reindeer. Somehow, he’s also inexplicably hot—because realism is overrated.
4. The Villain is a Job Offer in The City
How dare she consider taking that promotion she worked 12 years for? Doesn’t she know true happiness is found in a town with one coffee shop and zero Uber drivers?
5. A Bakery is in Mortal Danger
If that cupcake shop doesn’t sell enough gingerbread cookies to save the lease, Christmas is RUINED. Forget world hunger; this is the real crisis.
6. A Dead Parent’s Christmas Wish Must Be Fulfilled
Because nothing gets you in the holiday spirit like emotionally blackmailing yourself into saving Dad’s struggling tree farm/antique shop/watercolor gallery.
7. A Snowball Fight = Foreplay
What’s hotter than whipping icy projectiles at someone’s face? It’s not true love until you’re both rolling in fake snow with your hair somehow still perfect.
8. The Town’s Santa is Literally Magic
Oh, he’s not just playing Santa. He’s the actual Santa, but he’s moonlighting as the hardware store owner because the North Pole doesn’t offer dental.
9. A Dumb Misunderstanding Sparks a Break-Up at the Worst Possible Time
She saw him talking to another woman! (It was his sister.) He thinks she’s leaving town! (She was picking up a wreath.) But don’t worry—they’ll reconcile just in time for the Christmas Festival™️.
10. It Ends with a G-Rated Kiss in a Blizzard
Even if it hasn’t snowed in weeks, a magical blizzard will appear just for their painfully chaste smooch. Bonus points if Christmas carolers serenade them.
So go ahead, grab your fuzzy socks, pour your third glass of Barefoot Moscato, and enjoy another trip through Hallmark’s recycled plot factory. Remember: the real magic of Christmas isn’t love or family—it’s watching the same damn movie for the 37th time while pretending you don’t know how it ends.
